Wednesday, April 29, 2009
And then my car got flooded out by the rain. Awesome.
Enough was enough with the $300+ med bill. The expensive procedure was so invasive, gross and ghastly, by the way, that the doctors should have had to pay ME! But one thing after another keeps falling from the sky...and I'm weak! I'm scared! I'm....annoyed.
Fortunately I'm taking Friday off to be with Charlie, as this will be our last weekend together for quite some time. But hooray that the next time we meet will be in gorgeous, summery Colorado -- and he will be a ranger!
I need to lose some weight. I've said this I-don't-know-how-many-times in my life, but now I mean it because I really do want to lose a little weight. Fortunately I'm hearing that there's nothing to do in Rifle except work out, watch TV and ski, so I'm hoping to regain my high school/early college physique in July. Biggest Loser blows my mind. These people that were morbidly obese 13 weeks ago could drag me all over a running track and then do pulls up off the goalpost with me hanging on to them. Amazing. Frustrating.
My car is in the shop which means I'll be at work til about 5. That's a first (but probably not a last).
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
"We do so much to protect ourselves from the truth, but what I have learned and drawn strength and comfort from, especially over the last 17 years or so, is that the truth protects us from ourselves. That is, of course, if we can recognize it and trust it."
I'm working from home today because the roads are under water. Guess who's gone back to bed after a long night of barking? Exactly.
Tonight is The Biggest Loser, one of my favorite shows. I love Jillian.
Hebrews 11. Praying Hebrews 11.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Personal life - Charlie's moving to Colorado next week. We've spent a large part of our relationship apart, so I'm not sure why I'm so upset about this transition, but I have been tearing myself up. Truthfully the distance, the obstacles that come with distance and the unity that comes with distance is a refreshing relationship detox, and it's a challenge I need. It's hard for me to keep idols out of my life, especially when it comes to the people I love most. It's hard not to seek them first, ask them first, want their advice first, crave their love first...but these loved ones weren't meant to be first. My Love is supposed to be first. So as I struggle through releasing this crazy grip on Charlie, I'm strengthened knowing that this is all part of God's plan to draw me back home, to his arms, to his love. And we say Thanks and Amen, Jesus.
I've been struggling with anger a lot recently. Anger, impatience, rudeness...a lot of really ugly qualities that I hate and don't want in my heart. I've been quick to anger and harsh with my thoughts and words. Things like this sneak up on me and leave me disliking myself more than anyone I'm directing these terrible emotions toward. No more, please. Let's end it.
I'm almost 24 - can I freak out about this? What have I done with my life that's worthwhile? This is a hard question. What do I WANT to do with my life that's worthwhile? Even harder.
Rain is coming this afternoon. A reflection of the state of my heart, perhaps?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
"It's teabagging day for the right wing and they are going nuts for it." -David Shuster (MSNBC)
Man, I HATE the media. The Tea parties, which was a huge, unpublicized event across our GOD-FEARING (despite what Obama says) nation, were historic and monumental for me. I'm a conservative, not a Republican, and although it was my right-wing Americans that organized and staged this event, I support it 100%.
So the media has to go and completely, unabashedly bash the whole concept, the whole spirit of freedom of speech. In the weeks leading up to April 15, no unbiased-yet-undeniably-liberal media outlet even mentioned the parties in an effort to squelch attendance. It didn't work. Then, when the day did come, not even an ounce of respect was showed for these people's beliefs or efforts. Instead, the anchors and writers made unprofessional, idiotic, childish jokes about teabagging.
The question I always ask myself when things like this happen is what would the media have done if it were liberals throwing these parties? It would have been a zoo, highly promoted for weeks, months in advance. What if a conservative said the things Obama says? Our rock star president gets away with anything he wants, and I'm so worried it's going to be too late before we stand up as an unstoppable force to reclaim all our rights.
I'm not anti-Obama. He's our president, and if he fails, we all fail. But he is the most radical, socialist presence the White House has ever seen, and if you think socialism is a good thing, do your homework. Have you read the Homeland Security assesment that calls the right dangerous and extremists? We're a homeland security threat now for having different beliefs than that of our president?
I try not to get too political, but I'm angry. Tea Parties (Taxed Enough Already Parties, if you didn't know) should be encouraged, not demeaned. Our country was founded on Christian ideals, Mr. President, and the more you denounce our foundation, the more disgusted I get. You can continue to take more and more of my paycheck, and I know you will, but do something about this media that sucks at its job.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I was really emotional this Easter. A lot of things are happening right now, a lot of hard things, a lot of things that need require strength and silence, two things I’m very bad at. Cryfest April 2009 was spearheaded by reading/finishing The Perks of Being a Wallflower, not quite an easy book as it turns out. Why did no one tell me this? I’m also overwhelmed by Jesus, and there’s nothing deeper to that statement. Why so much love for someone like me? And with the comfort and security of that love, why can’t I return it to the world around me?
I was really, really emotional this Easter.
My work calendar has been freed up, and I’m not excited about this. Busy is the only way to be, and empty is the only way for weekends to be. Colorado gets closer by the day; Charlie applied to work at SLSP again and I pray he gets the job!
Walk/jogged another 10K this weekend. It wasn't even that I needed the exercise, although I did; I just wanted an excuse to be active and outside, and a way to measure the productivity of my outside activity. This sunshine drives me crazy with excitement. It makes me jittery with desire. There’s nothing better than the sun, except a sunny day at the beach. Soon?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I will remember: The Bible always brings peace, my body is not who I am and there’s no point comparing my life’s trajectory to anyone else’s. I will remember that usually NOT saying the thing I most want to say is the best idea, unless it’s 100% positive and uplifting.
One place I will go: Australia, Thailand and Colorado are givens. I will go somewhere on the east coast.
One physical habit I will break: not keeping my skin hydrated.
One physical habit I will cultivate: getting a facial every once in a while.
One mental habit I will break: going to destructive places in my mind when I’m already down. I will not be overwhelmed by all bad things when only one bad thing is happening at a time.
One mental habit I will cultivate: making my initial thoughts and judgments about people, even strangers, ones of acceptance and love.
One relationship I will repair: Jackie.
One home repair I'll finally get around to: not a repair, but I will truly decorate and make my apartment in Colorado a home, even though I’ll only be there 6 months. This includes hanging pictures, getting furniture of my choice and having fresh flowers.
One work habit I will change: i won't continue feeling intimidated by people I’ve never even met.
One thing I'll throw out: not throw out, but give away old art supplies to my mom’s school, and donate all old clothes and shoes to charity.
One thing I'll eat more often: vegetables. I’m getting there.
One thing I'll eat less of: ice cream. (I’m in love with sorbet right now)
One thing I'll drink more: white tea, different types of beer and wheat grass
One thing I'll drink less: already gave up diet coke/coke zero…
One overdue e-mail I'll send, or overdue phone call I'll make: my brothers
One person I'll treat more respectfully: people I’ve spoken about negatively
One thing I'll spend less money on: eating out in general. I love to cook; I need to do it more
One change I'll make in my finances: finding a good charity that I can 100% get behind, besides Mars Hill Church– sponsoring a child?
One thing I'll spend less time doing: thinking of relationship-damaging “what ifs” or “I wish”-es. This pertains to all my relationships. Watching TV.
Something I'll spend more time doing: studying history and politics. Reading constructive
books. Reading whatever kind of books I want. Everyone says this: working out. Praying.
One resolution I've made before but will honor this time: be in better contact with my brothers and their girlfriends/fiancés. Limiting stress-eating.
I gained: 2 new continents, a wider horizon and a man who knows me better than anyone ever has.
I lost: wondering what would happen if the past reappeared. I lost college, and am so glad to see it go. I lost the responsibility - burden - of carrying an organization that beat me down in every way. I lost a body that I used to work relentlessly on, and I’ve gained four abdomen scars and a neglected body.
I stopped: being so concerned about having to know if he’s “the one” this instant. I stopped worrying what people thought of us.
I started: eating more vegetables, a new job, wearing heels all the time and cooking as much as possible. I started to realize that people look up to me because I’m not a pup anymore; I’m growing, maybe grown, up.
I was hugely satisfied with: my job and the prospects for the future, the fact that I am paying off my student loans quickly and my living situation. Hugely satisfied with the people I work with.
I was frustrated by: Sigma Phi Lambda. Consumed by frustration with them. I was frustrated by Charlie’s friends….really just that one who was so good at making me feel so bad. By 5 years of college, by the futility of college, by the politics of college. I was frustrated by not being able to find a job, and more than that, not even wanting a job.
I am embarrassed that: 70 girls, of which I only talk to 4 now, can have such a large impact on my relationship with Jesus. I’m embarrassed that Charlie and I have broken up probably 20 times, and reconciled most of the time the same day! I’m embarrassed by cellulite.
Once again, I did: seek out information about a boy who is long gone, only because I really wanted to hurt myself. I did separate myself from people that truly love me because I was scared.
Once again, I did not: speak only good things about everyone. Read my Bible enough.
The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is: my hair is longer and my cool, tribal-looking scars.
The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is: there’s no wondering or what-ifing associated with bad-news boy anymore. There is curiosity about what it will take in my husband to keep me balanced and challenged. I know I can hack it in new situations, countries and companies. Last April I was itching with discontentment, bitterness and tunnel vision. Today, I’m optimistic. I’m in love with life.
I love spending time: being with my parents and brothers and their significant others, reading, watching and talking about LOST, exercising and musing.
I should have spent more time: with my parents and brothers and their significant others, reading, exercising and musing. I should have spent more time being patient and quiet. Playing soccer and riding bikes with Charlie.
I regret buying: overpriced food and drinks.
I will never regret buying: the cowboy boots I’m about to buy.
I _____ way too much: complain, watch tv, self-destruct, sleep, binge…
I didn't _____ enough: laugh, challenge myself, listen, look, paint…
My _____ drove me crazy: enemies, future…
The most relaxing place I went was: Charlie’s room , my room, Blair’s room, Sara’s room, anywhere with Lauren and/or Courtney, our Port A pad, Lightstone, our roadtrip, Colorado
Why did I go: anywhere where I didn’t want to go?
The best thing I did for someone else was: pray and listen. Encourage. Be patient, accepting and non-judgmental.
The best thing I did for myself was: get out and calm down. Going to Colorado, going on the roadtrip. Meet with Lisa about working for NOV. Giving Charlie a chance to give me a chance before I decided he should write me out of his life.
The best thing someone did for me was: pray and not judge.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Work has been busy. My bosses are back after being gone for 3 weeks, which means my work load has been doubled, tripled maybe. This is a good thing; makes the time go faster and means I’m learning and absorbing more than the average bear. Next week I’ll be in how-to-teach-SAP training. I’m so nervous about this, but I need to know it to be as efficient as possible in Thai.
I mostly-walked a 10K this weekend, and got so sore and burnt. I loved it. It was just for fun, just to get out into the gorgeous day. This weather kills me to be inside. Someone found me at work recently with my head through the blinds and my forehead on the window I wanted to be outside so bad. I can’t wait for this long weekend!
Personal life has been good. :) I’m back into reading: This Side of Paradise (Fitzgerald), The Perks of being a Wallflower (Chbosky) and Fates Worse than Death (Vonnegut). I’m loving all three and wish I could take a week to bury my head in them, only coming up for passion fruit sorbet, my other true love at the moment.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Today is my Friday, and I’m bouncing early. 3 pm. It’s 2:21, so now you know why I’m writing a blog. I’m contemplating going on a clothing shopping hiatus. I’ve been reading the blog of a clothes addict who did the same, and I’m inspired by the challenge. Plus I’m masochistic so the possibility of depriving myself of something I adore sounds bizarrely appealing.
I know myself though, and cutting out clothing would just open up more ways to spend the same amount of money. More food, more accessories, more shoes (Mmm yesss)…Still, the hiatus sounds like a detox I could definitely use.
What am I doing tomorrow, most glorious of vacation days? Getting up early – yes, this is something I truly enjoy doing. Reading, maybe artsing, exercising and watching Food Network, TLC and HGTV.
I would really love to eat at Thai Thai sometime this weekend. Or Grin’s. What San Marcos needs is a Panda Express; Charlie has believed this since he moved there, and now I really want him to open one!
I bought popsicles yesterday at lunch and am keeping a box in the freezer here at work. Something about such a childish delight in the middle of a workday makes me super happy. My lips, teeth and tongue are currently stained purple. Haha!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Started reading Romans this morning. Everyone who knows anything about the Bible talks about Romans like it’s a labyrinth of depth and mystery. I agree and welcome the challenge.
My boss will come back on Monday after being gone three weeks, and we’re going to book my tickets to Thailand! I’ll be there for two weeks in the end of this month, training and teaching people. The trip will be fun but daunting seeing as how I’ve only been here three months myself.
Tomorrow is my Friday as I’m taking the real Friday off. I just needed to break up the routine and spend a day reading and cooking. Friday we’re having a cook out. I’m super excited!
My real boyfriend is incredible. That is all.