I’ve been dealing with a nasty undercurrent of emotion lately, and I’m sick of it.
It’s called dread. Heard of it? Felt it? It’s been a subtle buzz in my worklife for quite a while now, and I know it’s having destructive effects on my mind, heart and body.
There are a couple people I dread interacting with. Their demeanors, their tones, their energies – I negatively anticipate my next encounter with them.
There are work situations I dread being a part of. I hate the work, I don’t believe in the cause, I can’t stand the dysfunctionality.
I’m sure at this point you’re dreading reading any further, too. Now you know how I feel A LOT of the time.
How terrible is this? My life is arguably the best it’s been in…forever. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never felt like so cared for and loved.
Why is work getting to me like this?
The conclusion I’ve known all along, and the solution I’ve come to, is that my emotions are in my control. Dread doesn’t “happen” to people. It’s a choice, a pair of emotional Spanx I choose to put on everyday that restrict my joy and positive outlook. Knowing this, though, hasn’t produced positive action yet. I see the problem, and I see the answer, and I just sit there and look at both of them, all of us at an impasse. In the meantime, my patience, joy, love and gratitude are slowly slipping away.
Time to stop beating myself up for feeling this negative emotion. Time to accept this is how I feel, love myself through it, give it Up, and move toward strength and healing as a result. This is the gameplan.
In other news, I’m doing my first triathlon this weekend! I have NO idea what I’m doing – signed up on a whim. It’s a super sprint, so 600 yds swimming, 11 miles biking, and a 5k.
I know it won’t be easy. Nothing important is ever as easy as “Ready, Set, Go” without some serious mental, emotional preparation, but sometimes the best way to get started is just to commit. I can sit around all day and see my current skill set and see where I’d like to be, all of me at an impasse. But nothing’s going to change unless I do, and therein lies the fear…and the answer.
All I can do with this tri is love myself at each twist and turn, knowing I’m doing the best that I can.
All I can do at work is try – let go of the dread, relax the clenched fists, keep my head up and give this life – even the 6:30 to 3:30 portion of it – my all.
All I can do is try.