The Best of 2011

I don't guess I've ever gotten to the end of a year and thought, "What a crock! That year sucked!" In fact, while the days may sometimes be longer than I'd like, the years are getting quicker and better. A lot quicker, and a lot better.

This year, however...this year has been extra special. Without further ado, here are the highlights (in order of how they come to my memory, which might be in order of importance, or impact...I don't know):

1. My first marathon

2. Going to Alaska

3. Post-Run Brunches

4. Meeting my 323 girls

5. Monthly Book Clubs

6. Going to Canada a couple times (pre-return to blogging)

7. Running with Kenyan Way

8. Having more time for these guys:

9. Going on some dates with a couple really cool guys...and deciding potential relationships aren't what I'm interested in right now.

10. All the fun people I've met by choosing single life

11. Finally getting my windshield fixed after, like, 2 years

12. Returning to the blogosphere

13. Having time for books. Lots and lots of glorious books

14. Getting a juicer

15. Getting into grad school (Oh yeah! I keep forgetting!)

16. Meeting my new therapist, Carole. So, so thankful for her!

17. My kindle

18. Bridesmaids

18. Breaking Bad, American Horror Story, Big Bang Theory and New Girl

19. Learning more and more and more about Houston

20. And last but not least...

                                                                             ....All the froyos in the world!

I hope your year has been everything and more you wished for, and I'll be wishing all the best for you in the new year!

Planet Earth

I might be jumping the gun on this, but I figured I made it 11 months and 16 days with this guy before spilling a whole Nalgene full of water all over it. Today, a tsunami hit Planet Earth. Time to retire my 2011 calendar.

Of all calendar years, 2011 has seen the most action, the most highs and lows, the most losses and successes. I'm thankful for all the life experience and thicker skin and strength and tenderness, but I'm pretty happy to chuck the day-by-day reminders of every twist and turn.

On another note, book review time!

I'm obsessed.

Then Again by Diane Keaton

There are some books you want to read slowly so they don't end, but you can't help yourself because they're so good! To me, this is one of those books. I limit myself to tiny morsels every night.

It's part- her mother's journal entries, part- her own writing. She's so unabashedly honest, and I admire her for that. She writes very candidly about how much she loved and still loves Woody Allen.

You're so beautiful!

I've pretty much decided to take the Diane Keaton approach to life until otherwise inclined. She's been a bachelorette her entire life and then adopted kids at age 50. She clearly loved immensely and has had an amazing, adventurous, fulfilled, love-filled life. She's so eccentric and esteemed for her eccentricities.

I hope she writes a sequel. And I'm definitely watching Something's Gotta Give tonight. 

Book Burning

My lease is up next month on my apartment.

A bit of background: the night my ex and I broke up, I moved out of my apartment (he lived in another city). I moved back home. I've had a subleaser until now, and he took the place as is, which required from me minimal trips back to the apartment to get the heck out of there.

This happened to be the biggest blessing of my life because I didn't eat for 3 weeks after that breakup. I still don't know how I went to work. I don't know how I survived, except that my mom brought home Dove bars one night and I slowly came back to life, one bar at a time.

But the lease is up, so it's time to clear the remaining stuff out. While I still hate being there, at least I don't dissolve into a million pieces anymore. Right?

Today I went to the apartment already emotional. I went alone. I went hungry.

Mistakes one, two and three.

I came across letters the ex had written me a year ago. Pictures. Suddenly, it felt like that breakup that was back in April had happened only yesterday.

With no time to spare, I used my available resources to get myself back together. That's how this happened.

Fireplaces ALWAYS come in handy!

It started with letters and pictures. Then an old newspaper. A couple of magazines. Before I knew it and before I wanted it to, the fire was dying. (Disclaimer: burning polaroids might be toxic.)

I needed more fuel! Around that time, this happened.

So long, Happiness Project. You are worth more to me in ashes than space on my bookshelves!

And it was a glorious five minutes. But a quick five minutes...

Great, cheesy movie...but the book did nothing for me.

Well I went scavenging for more books I felt were worth more in warmth and emotional healing to me than effort to pack up and move out, but unfortunately books were some of the first things to be salvaged from this place. The buck (flame) stopped here:

You just dont disrespect Jillian like that. Time to go home.

My plan for the day is to watch as many hours of Carrie Bradshaw as I can before I pass out in a 3 hour nap, wake up, do some Jillian, then go back to bed.

It's an emokid day. It just is.

November Recap

November sailed.


11/11 totally delivered. I was crazy busy at work, both in Houston and Mexico, I did some major runs, had multiple Thanksgivings, and spent the last week of the month in Alaska with Lauren.

I watered and watered and watered...and the grass was effin' green!

I guess before getting on to my December goals, I have to recap my goals for November. Moment of truth.


1. I will not be spending more than $100 on food/groceries for the entire month.
Well. First of all, don't ever put yourself on a strict food budget in November. Come on, Still, what were you thinking? Between multiple Thanksgivings wherein I was expected to bring delicious dishes and a week in Alaska where Lauren doesn't have a real kitchen, things got spensive. I did really well until the middle of the month, and then all the remaining food dollars in my wallet totally scattered. I plan to try this again in January because I absolutely believe in reigning in my food allowance with a little more force.


2. I will keep a daily food/exercise log.
Second, my daily food and exercise log lasted until, again, about the middle of the month. The five pounds of fury remaineth. Fail.


3. Do yoga at least twice.
Yoga four times, baby! That's, like, almost once a week!


4. Read three books.
This was definitely my greatest triumph this month, haha. Sybil, Exposed, Once a Runner, Is Everyone Hanging Out without Me, The Marriage Plot, and Spontaneous Happiness.


5. Take More Pictures.
Hurrah!


6. Have a blast in Alaska
Blast is an understatement. We killed it! I LOVE Alaska!


7. Enjoy the end of the year.
I had a total breakthrough yesterday with my therapist. I use the word breakthrough instead of epiphany because I really feel like I broke out of some invisible cage or scaled some invisible wall to arrive where I did yesterday.


I was describing a dream I had in Alaska about my big bad ex. In the dream, everything was torn up and in disarray (in the dream, we met on a construction site - my subconscious is so cute sometimes). My therapist (who I'll call Carole because that is her name) pointed out that the dialogue in the dream, both mine and his, revolved completely around him. Even in my OWN dreams, I am not the star or the main concern. All I cared about was him, and all he cared about was him.


It was as if my psyche was screaming at me, “I literally can’t make this any clearer for you!” because I was carrying a stapler throughout the entire dream. A broken stapler. I gave everything I had to this person, I gave it all to the relationship, but I could not fix it. I could not make it right. Even in the dream, if I tried to fix it, my tool would have been a broken stapler.

Anyways, I went into my schpeel with Carole about how frustrated I am that I can’t just once and for all flush this boy out of my heart and mind. I am 100% happier and more fulfilled and challenged than I was with him in my life, so why do I occasionally have such annoying dreams/defeating thoughts?

Carole asked me, “What do you think you get out of sad, painful emotional episodes like this?”

Me: “I have no idea! I wish I knew!” (sob sob)

C: “This is just my hunch, so you can take it or leave it, but it seems like these sad memories and this pain – these are the only things you have left of X, and you are desperate to hold on to some part of him anyway you can.”

Me: “Whhhaaa…?” Lightbulb so hard

C: “It’s totally within your rights to hold on to this sadness and these painful memories forever. No one can ask you to put these down or let them go. But, I just wonder, what would your life be like if you just…let go? It must get so exhausting for you, clinging to this hurt, holding on to it so you can hold on to a part of him. What would happen if you decided to let go?”

And that, my friends, I had never considered. So much of my life’s emotional energy I’ve wasted trying to keep this boy a part of my life, my identity. I’ve dedicated 10 years of my existence to thoughts, memories, dreams and desires for him (both my own and his), and it’s been a taxing, weary struggle the whole time. So why have I done it? I continued to grasp onto these sadnesses and pains because I thought he needed to be part of my identity. I thought he was supposed to be a part of my story. I mean, who am I if not the girl who loved and lost in a major way? Who am I if not a girl who was heartdecimatedbroken by the same guy - twice?

I am so exhausted from actively being sad and hurt and worried and upset just because I convinced myself that he had to be a part of my story. Dearest Amy, he doesn’t. He isn’t. (God that feels good to say!)

So I spent 3 miles yesterday asking myself what would happen if I let go to that part of myself. Just…let go, dropped that wad of dirty, 10 year old, used up emotional energy. What new things could I make room for, what new aspects of myself could I discover with all this new room and clean, powerful energy?

I am so excited, friends. I win. I wish him well but I win, for myself, and there's so much free space in my heart and mind for wonderful, exciting fresh life to enter.

Whew, ok. Enough of this! December goals to come tomorrow.

PS: I'm running a marathon in 3 days!!

This Book is Amazing.

Silly beard, serious message. This book is blowing my mind.

Spontaneous Happiness by Dr. Andrew Weil

Ever-interested in the power of thoughts and words, I am enchanted by the concept of mindsight.

Mindsight is, according to Dr. Dan Siegel, an empowering, action-oriented way of describing the power of the mind to actually change the structure and function of the brain.

Did you know you can actually alter the structure of your brain by your thoughts?

I was specifically struck by this example last night - two minorly different ways of thinking but two vastly different messages:

I am sad          vs.          I feel sad

One is declaring something intrinsic and inescapable about your nature. The other is noting a feeling, a sensation but allows room for change and flexibility of emotions.

Thanks for the insight, Dr. Weil, and your beard makes me really happy!

PS: This guy in general is super interesting. 

Alaska on my Mind

So, so ready to spend Thanksgiving with Lauren in Alaska!

Three flights stand in the way of this blissful adventure, however - Houston to Minneapolis, Minneapolis to Anchorage, and Anchorage to Kenai.

Even though, normally, flying on a Wednesday would be ideal, this Wednesday just happens to be the day before the busiest travel day of the year. I'm already dreading the airport mania. I do some of my worst character judging based on things like how quickly people can remove their shoes before getting to security, who is talking just loud enough for everyone to hear about the extent of their travels (I beat you, I promise) and people wearing sunglasses inside. Airports!

To combat my inner crazies, I'm majorly stocking up on reading material. I also envision my six days in Alaska looking a lot like this:

Wake up
Make hot tea
Read
Go for a FREEZING walk
Make hot chocolate
Read
Watch a chick flick
Drink wine
Go for another FREEZING walk, this time tipsy
Eat dinner
Drink wine
Read/Watch another movie

(This looks strangely similar to my beach vacation schedule, only with sweaty walks instead of freezing.)

Clearly, my Kindle is going to be busting at the seams. I really, really, really love my Kindle.

Books to be read include but are not limited to...



Even among authors, Jeffrey Eugenides possesses a rare talent for being able to inhabit his characters. In The Marriage Plot, his third novel and first in ten years (following the Pulitzer Prize-winning Middlesex), Eugenides describes a year or so in the lives of three college seniors at Brown in the early 80s. There is Madeleine, a self-described “incurable romantic” who is slightly embarrassed at being so normal. There is Leonard, a brilliant, temperamental student from the Pacific Northwest. And completing the triangle is Mitchell, a Religious Studies major from Eugenides’ own Detroit. What follows is a book delivered in sincere and genuine prose, tracing the end of the students’ college days and continuing into those first, tentative steps toward true adulthood. This is a thoughtful and at times disarming novel about life, love, and discovery, set during a time when so much of life seems filled with deep portent.



Andre Agassi had his life mapped out for him before he left the crib. Groomed to be a tennis champion by his moody and demanding father, by the age of twenty-two Agassi had won the first of his eight grand slams and achieved wealth, celebrity, and the game’s highest honors. But as he reveals in this searching autobiography, off the court he was often unhappy and confused, unfulfilled by his great achievements in a sport he had come to resent. Agassi writes candidly about his early success and his uncomfortable relationship with fame, his marriage to Brooke Shields, his growing interest in philanthropy, and—described in haunting, point-by-point detail—the highs and lows of his celebrated career.

In the Nevada desert, an experiment has gone horribly wrong. A cloud of nanoparticles—micro-robots—has escaped from the laboratory. This cloud is self-sustaining and self-reproducing. It is intelligent and learns from experience. For all practical purposes, it is alive.
It has been programmed as a predator. It is evolving swiftly, becoming more deadly with each passing hour.
Every attempt to destroy it has failed.
And we are the prey.
(((I love Michael Crichton's books and I don't care what you think!)))

Dr. Andrew Weil has proven that the best way to maintain optimum physical health is to draw on both conventional and alternative medicine. Now, in Spontaneous Happiness, he gives us the foundation for attaining and sustaining optimum emotional health. Rooted in Dr. Weil's pioneering work in integrative medicine, the book suggests a reinterpretation of the notion of happiness, discusses the limitations of the biomedical model in treating depression, and elaborates on the inseparability of body and mind.

Dr. Andrew Weil is kind of the dark horse - I usually associate him with mushrooms (non-hallucinogenic, for the record) for some reason.

Men vs. Boys

Thanksgiving #3 (the Family) was today. Post and pictures to come. Riding to and from Austin with my dad at the wheel allowed me to read this book in its entirety:

Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (and Other Concerns)

It was a good way to pass the time, but it was no Bossypants. Love, love Tina.

Still, Mindy seemed genuinely down to earth, normal, and even boring. I like that in a woman. This excerpt below was the most poignant part of the book. I swear I heard an inspiring musical score slowly crescendo-ing(?) in the background...

"Until I was 30, I dated only boys. I’ll tell you why: Men scared the shit out of me. Men know what they want. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn’t on the floor. Men buy new shampoo instead of adding water to a nearly empty bottle of shampoo. Men make reservations. Men go in for a kiss without giving you some long preamble about how they’re thinking of kissing you. Men wear clothes that have never been worn by anyone else before.

OK, maybe men aren’t exactly like this. But this is what I’ve cobbled together from the handful of men I know or know of, ranging from Heathcliff Huxtable to Theodore Roosevelt to my dad. The point: Men know what they want, and that is scary.

What I was used to was boys.

Boys are adorable. Boys trail off their sentences in an appealing way. Boys get haircuts from their roommate, who “totally knows how to cut hair.” Boys can pack up their whole life and move to Brooklyn for a gig if they need to. Boys have “gigs.” Boys are broke. And when they do have money, they spend it on a trip to Colorado to see a music festival.

Boys can talk for hours with you in a diner at three in the morning because they don’t have regular work hours. But they suck to date when you turn 30."

Wow. Hi. Where the men at?

Mahk Dahcy (otherwise casually known as Colin Firth)

Matthew Fox. Dear Matt, your little show, LOST, it changed my life. I love you.

Hi, you gorgeous man.

All you guys. Especially you, Schwartzman.

Because I love your movies, your music and your books.

And last but not least, because you're just perfectly off your rocker, Bill Effin' Murray.

Mmmmk, I know all these guys might just be boys in real life, but until MY man comes along, they sure are fun to look at. Kisses to you, Matthew Fox!

Currently Loving

1. This super creepy show.

2. Defriending people on Facebook.

3. Pugs who help with laundry

4. Shopping for a new apartment/garage apartment/condo/townhome to move into in February.

5. Deadlifts

6. Another wine class with THE LADIES on Thursday.

7. Dreaming about seeing the Northern Lights in Alaska in  one week with Lauren!!

8. Having curly hair

9. Book club this week! JSF is one of my all-time faves.

10. Celebrating Thanksgiving with family in Austin this weekend. I LOVE Thanksgiving. And family. And each and every day.

What are you currently loving?

Book Clubbin'

The thought of travelling anywhere without ample reading material terrifies me more than the off-chance I'd board a plane being terrorized by some seriously pissed off reptiles, with Sammy-J nowhere to be found.

Why do I suspect that doubles as both his "I'ma Cut You" and "Let's make-a Love" face?

 Herego, I'm never without ample reading material because I don't LIKE being that terrified.

I finished "Sybil, Exposed" and found it fascinating. It makes me wonder how many illnesses have been almost entirely fabricated by our "most trusted sources" for money, status and fame. It just reminds me to always ask before believing, question before jumping. Please know I'm not making light of anyone suffering from ANY illness, mental or otherwise; I know too many people struggling with pains, concerns and the like that I wish I could remove entirely, totally, now. 

Alright, moving on to things I actually know about...

Joan Didion - Blue Nights

 I was first introduced to Joan through "The Year of Magical Thinking." Wow, I loved that book. It was definitely a life-changer. Extremely sad (I think I was already crying before leaving the B&N parking lot. Don't worry, Moms was driving.), but very touching. While TYOMT was about her husband's death, "Blue Nights" was written as an expression of her grief about her daughter's death, which occurred almost simultaneously with her husband's passing. How's that for a heavy as hell dose of life's propensity to just suck...and then suck some more?

This book did not speak to me like TYOMT did. Maybe because I've never had a daughter, but I feel like this book - more than the other - Joan wrote for herself, her healing and her clarity than for anyone else. She just happens to be an author with a deadline, too. She fixates on little details of her daughter's life and repeats them over and over throughout the book, details that weren't explained or given meaning, just repeated. I don't fault her; I just don't understand. She's grieving still, clearly, and this is a written expression of that process. I appreciate and cherish her honesty and rawness, even if I don't understand it. I don't think anyone could or should.

Looking back, I have no idea why I DL'ed this book, other than I once (c. 2002 maybe) saw an Ellen Degeners standup that was hilarious, and I've loved her ever since, despite not ever finding her that funny again.

 Ellen shares a similarity with Joan, as a matter of fact. They both don't care what you think or how you receive them. Again, respek, yo. I have a feeling this book would be much, much better - entertaining even! - in audiobook form, with Ellen reading. It's coming across very sing-song in my own voice, and I wish I could hear how Ellen imagines it in her own head. But then again, she doesn't care how she comes across, and that comes across in her book. Not my fave, but mildly entertaining still.

Well, my plan was to go running at lunch, but due unforeseen issues with the project we're working on coinciding with the siesta, doesn't look like I'll be getting to the hotel until 2, at which point I will have probably knawed both legs off anyways. I was snacking on some Sour Jelly Beans, but the ants got to them FTW.

October Recap/November Goals

October.

October was a really good, exceptionally trying month. All the rough patches were work related, and I'll leave it at that because as difficult as work can be, I am ever-grateful to be gainfully employed.

I spent a week in Villahermosa, Mexico for work and reconnected with a lot of people I worked with last year when I spent all of June in Villa. While I was overjoyed to see everyone again, when the trip was cut short, I was extremely grateful. My mom went through over six hours of surgery while I was gone, my boys were being boarded at a break-the-bank facility, and I was sick. On the plane ride back I thought about when I wanted to be a stewardess as a profession. How things change. It's pulling teeth to get me to leave these days. I thank God for a home I love, friends I cherish and a life I don't like to put on hold.

Back in Houston, the heat was making everyone a little crazy, the boys had a massive flea outbreak (accompanied by one tick), I put more mileage on my legs than ever before, I decided I'd spend Thanksgiving in Alaska, and I finally realized that nothing stands in my way of anything except myself.

November.

November's gonna be good. Like, silly, giddy, challenging, fulfilling good. Suffice it to say, my life looks a lot different than it did a year ago, and I'm so thankful and happy for the maelstrom of overwhelming pain and sadness it took to get me here.

Now, on to the fun stuff! Challenges!
1. I will not be spending more than $100 on food/groceries for the entire month. I read about this challenge on another blog; it's an effort to eat up all the pantry staples we accumulate, to each more fruits and vegetables, and to remember those who have to make-do all year long. This goes into effect tomorrow, and I'll keep you updated with weekly totals.

2. I will keep a daily food/exercise log. The truth is, marathon training has been amazing, but it hasn't been the fat-burner/muscle-builder I thought it would be. It's hard to change my diet/non-running-exercises at this point (the height of training), but I want to become more conscious/deliberate about the foods I eat and the ways I spend my gym time. (A subgoal would be to lose 5 lbs.)

3. Do yoga at least twice. Easy enough.

4. Read 3 books. I'm not quite halfway through "Sybil Exposed," and then I'm going to read "Once a Runner." Suggestions are always encouraged!

5. Take more pictures.

6. Have a blast in Alaska. Going to Alaska is a bucket list thing for me, and I'm so, so excited to be crossing this off! As soon as I get back, I'll cross off another line by running a marathon!

7. This is the fluff goal. Enjoy the end of this year. November and December lend themselves to tons of new memories, plenty of life-evaluating, and prepping for the upcoming new year. This year has been the most horrendously packaged gift, a precious blessing in the most terrible disguise. Though I'm ready to see it go, I want to honor the magical things that have come as a result of it.

Books and 20 Miles

This week has not been ideal in terms of running. Work obligations became overwhelming in the latter days of the week, and something had to give. (I am hearing, "Excuses, excuses, excuses!" in my head right now.) I've gotten in 12 so far, and I'll do 3 more this afternoon, followed by 20 tomorrow.

Ah, the 20 mile mark. This thing is really starting to become a reality. I am almost convinced I can pull this off...but no, I won't be confident or assured until I cross the finish line on December 4.

My first, but definitely not my last (Hello, New Orleans!)

Tomorrow's celebratory brunch will be at Empire Cafe with my two favorite runners, and truth be told, the promise of unlimited food might be what gets me through those last miles back to my car. And of course the opportunity for us to commisterate over things like chafing, chapping, waking up too early, gu's, gels, chafing, energy bars, hydration, sports bras, chafing, chafing, and people in our running group who smell weird.

I've been preparing mentally all week for this run. I'm freaked out yet doing my best to trust - trust in myself, in my preparation, in my running buddies, and in my ability to push through when things suck. This, by God, I have proven able to do.

Well...by God and by Florence.

And Jay and B, too.

So, onto a little book clubbin'.

Latest Read:



On the Divinity of Second Chances, by Kaya McLaren

Honestly, didn't love it. The characters were kind of flat, and you could tell the author was trying to spin this magical story in an imaginative form of writing, but it didn't take. Missed the mark. There was, however, a storyline involving the death of a pet that left me sobbing - literally - one night in my bed, stroking Benny and Roger extremely pathetically.

Currently reading:


Sybil Exposed by Debbie Nathan



Though not very far into this book, I'm very interested. It's an expose on the book titled (can you guess?) "Sybil" written in the 70's, which brought Multiple Personality Disorders into the limelight. However, the case based on "Sybil" was created through malpractice, abuse and extreme conflicts of interest between the patient, doctor and journalist. Still, if everything was a hoax, why did tens of thousands of people (mostly women by the way) resonate with the lie?

Future read: 



Once a Runner by John L. Parker, Jr.

This is another book I can't wait to dive into. A fictional work about what it takes to be a distance runner. Enough said.

Please note I'm an extremely judgemental, opinionated critic, and that goes for everything - books, movies, TV shows, characters, people, restaurants, etc. Cookies are pretty much the only exception. (Herego most of the preceeding categories can be positively affected by the presence of cookies.)