Beginnings

Ahhh, Beginnings. Remember how I'm working on upping the sappy quality of my post titles? One point for me!

Okay, but...before we get into Beginnings, I think we need to have a word on Endings.

Yesterday was all around the best year ending I've ever had. I ran not a few miles. (Bonus: I think after all my runs this past year, all toenails remaining in tact, yesterday's run is going to claim not one toenail but two. I am that hardcore.) (I also have never chaffed so bad in my entire life. Hard. Core.)

I met up with some friends. Awesome, hilarious girlfriends. And then I went across town and met up with some more friends, who hosted a faboosh party. Then I went back across town and ended the night with that original group of awesome, hilarious girlfriends. And it was all good - very, very good! This was a New Year's Eve without stress, worry, any negative emotions or sadness. It was perfect, and it made me so, so thankful to end the year surrounded by all the best parts of 2011.

So that being said I'm just going to let these pictures speak for themselves and you can infer all the laughter, merriment and 2012 postulating that happened...

So THAT was a great night. And with that, I'm leaving behind 2011.

Today, I've lounged around and eaten a VERY cream cheese-y bagel and journaled and - most awesome thing ever alert - paid my last month's rent at my current apartment. Halleluuuu!

...And now it's time to get out of bed and get stuff done. LOTS to do in 2012, no time to spare! :)

All the best to you in this most wonderful New Beginning, First Day of the Year, Clean Slate, etc. This is our year. :)

The Best of 2011

I don't guess I've ever gotten to the end of a year and thought, "What a crock! That year sucked!" In fact, while the days may sometimes be longer than I'd like, the years are getting quicker and better. A lot quicker, and a lot better.

This year, however...this year has been extra special. Without further ado, here are the highlights (in order of how they come to my memory, which might be in order of importance, or impact...I don't know):

1. My first marathon

2. Going to Alaska

3. Post-Run Brunches

4. Meeting my 323 girls

5. Monthly Book Clubs

6. Going to Canada a couple times (pre-return to blogging)

7. Running with Kenyan Way

8. Having more time for these guys:

9. Going on some dates with a couple really cool guys...and deciding potential relationships aren't what I'm interested in right now.

10. All the fun people I've met by choosing single life

11. Finally getting my windshield fixed after, like, 2 years

12. Returning to the blogosphere

13. Having time for books. Lots and lots of glorious books

14. Getting a juicer

15. Getting into grad school (Oh yeah! I keep forgetting!)

16. Meeting my new therapist, Carole. So, so thankful for her!

17. My kindle

18. Bridesmaids

18. Breaking Bad, American Horror Story, Big Bang Theory and New Girl

19. Learning more and more and more about Houston

20. And last but not least...

                                                                             ....All the froyos in the world!

I hope your year has been everything and more you wished for, and I'll be wishing all the best for you in the new year!

Gangster's Paradise, or Wedding Dress Shopping

Guess what I haven't done today?

Work out.

Guess what I have done today?

Shopped for a wedding dress.
Brunched.
Menched.
Naaaaaaapped.
And now I'm watching Pride and Prejudice before forcing myself to work out (thanks for the motivation, Mr. Darcy) and then head to my last foreseeable Christmas soiree.




I love the way you brood.

 What you won't see in the following pictures is the bride-to-be, Ninja. The lovely, beautiful, wedding-dressed pictures of her obviously aren't yet for public viewing pleasure. What I can share with you are the good times outside the dressing room.

That's as close as you'll come to seeing a picture of Ninja in this post. But she's in there, promise, getting all matrimonial!

The moral support. The soundtrack to this day was OJ singing (and dancing to) Christmas carols...loudly. :)

Have a holly, jolly wedding dress shopping experience...

She was basically a one-woman musical.

Store number two was a gangster's paradise. There was no dancing. Only judging.

After a 2+ hour lunch with 2+ mimosas, it was time for the final act of the musical.

All in all, very successful day. Couldn't be happier for that Ninja girl, her Ninja boy, and their wonderful relationship! I also couldn't imagine a better wedding-dress-support-group partner than OJ.

Now stop distracting me, I really have to work out and get back out into the night!

Afterglow

Feels great to be back home, getting back to normal life. I really feel like I left Dallas one person and came back another, like my horizon really has been expanded. The last couple weeks have been epic for me, crossing two huge things off my bucket list (going to Alaska and running a marathon), so a (smallish) part of me wishes I could just have a couple days of boring with no obligations...but that ain't life!

Lunch today was with my two favorite runners: THE LADIES who made the Dallas marathon possible, OJ and Party Rock (aka Ninja). I have not only a new found respect for what they've put themselves through but crazy gratitude for all the pep talks, cheering, tips and advice they gave me.

...Not least of which was a bouquet of balloons! Huzzah! Balloons are so delightfully inconvenient and exciting. They fly all over the place and make driving nearly impossible, but almost nothing makes me as giddy as a congratulatory balloon!

Yayyy! Thanks, Ninja!

Oh, and I guess someday I'll have to take this off...

...But probably not until I have a new one to replace it with! Mwa haha.

My boss let me work from home today, presumably so he wouldn't have to hear my alternating bragging and pain moans. I'm really excited to sit down with this beauty that came in while we were gone:

New Year, New You edition?! I'm hooked!

Book review of Andre Agassi's Open coming soon! 

November Recap

November sailed.


11/11 totally delivered. I was crazy busy at work, both in Houston and Mexico, I did some major runs, had multiple Thanksgivings, and spent the last week of the month in Alaska with Lauren.

I watered and watered and watered...and the grass was effin' green!

I guess before getting on to my December goals, I have to recap my goals for November. Moment of truth.


1. I will not be spending more than $100 on food/groceries for the entire month.
Well. First of all, don't ever put yourself on a strict food budget in November. Come on, Still, what were you thinking? Between multiple Thanksgivings wherein I was expected to bring delicious dishes and a week in Alaska where Lauren doesn't have a real kitchen, things got spensive. I did really well until the middle of the month, and then all the remaining food dollars in my wallet totally scattered. I plan to try this again in January because I absolutely believe in reigning in my food allowance with a little more force.


2. I will keep a daily food/exercise log.
Second, my daily food and exercise log lasted until, again, about the middle of the month. The five pounds of fury remaineth. Fail.


3. Do yoga at least twice.
Yoga four times, baby! That's, like, almost once a week!


4. Read three books.
This was definitely my greatest triumph this month, haha. Sybil, Exposed, Once a Runner, Is Everyone Hanging Out without Me, The Marriage Plot, and Spontaneous Happiness.


5. Take More Pictures.
Hurrah!


6. Have a blast in Alaska
Blast is an understatement. We killed it! I LOVE Alaska!


7. Enjoy the end of the year.
I had a total breakthrough yesterday with my therapist. I use the word breakthrough instead of epiphany because I really feel like I broke out of some invisible cage or scaled some invisible wall to arrive where I did yesterday.


I was describing a dream I had in Alaska about my big bad ex. In the dream, everything was torn up and in disarray (in the dream, we met on a construction site - my subconscious is so cute sometimes). My therapist (who I'll call Carole because that is her name) pointed out that the dialogue in the dream, both mine and his, revolved completely around him. Even in my OWN dreams, I am not the star or the main concern. All I cared about was him, and all he cared about was him.


It was as if my psyche was screaming at me, “I literally can’t make this any clearer for you!” because I was carrying a stapler throughout the entire dream. A broken stapler. I gave everything I had to this person, I gave it all to the relationship, but I could not fix it. I could not make it right. Even in the dream, if I tried to fix it, my tool would have been a broken stapler.

Anyways, I went into my schpeel with Carole about how frustrated I am that I can’t just once and for all flush this boy out of my heart and mind. I am 100% happier and more fulfilled and challenged than I was with him in my life, so why do I occasionally have such annoying dreams/defeating thoughts?

Carole asked me, “What do you think you get out of sad, painful emotional episodes like this?”

Me: “I have no idea! I wish I knew!” (sob sob)

C: “This is just my hunch, so you can take it or leave it, but it seems like these sad memories and this pain – these are the only things you have left of X, and you are desperate to hold on to some part of him anyway you can.”

Me: “Whhhaaa…?” Lightbulb so hard

C: “It’s totally within your rights to hold on to this sadness and these painful memories forever. No one can ask you to put these down or let them go. But, I just wonder, what would your life be like if you just…let go? It must get so exhausting for you, clinging to this hurt, holding on to it so you can hold on to a part of him. What would happen if you decided to let go?”

And that, my friends, I had never considered. So much of my life’s emotional energy I’ve wasted trying to keep this boy a part of my life, my identity. I’ve dedicated 10 years of my existence to thoughts, memories, dreams and desires for him (both my own and his), and it’s been a taxing, weary struggle the whole time. So why have I done it? I continued to grasp onto these sadnesses and pains because I thought he needed to be part of my identity. I thought he was supposed to be a part of my story. I mean, who am I if not the girl who loved and lost in a major way? Who am I if not a girl who was heartdecimatedbroken by the same guy - twice?

I am so exhausted from actively being sad and hurt and worried and upset just because I convinced myself that he had to be a part of my story. Dearest Amy, he doesn’t. He isn’t. (God that feels good to say!)

So I spent 3 miles yesterday asking myself what would happen if I let go to that part of myself. Just…let go, dropped that wad of dirty, 10 year old, used up emotional energy. What new things could I make room for, what new aspects of myself could I discover with all this new room and clean, powerful energy?

I am so excited, friends. I win. I wish him well but I win, for myself, and there's so much free space in my heart and mind for wonderful, exciting fresh life to enter.

Whew, ok. Enough of this! December goals to come tomorrow.

PS: I'm running a marathon in 3 days!!

October Recap/November Goals

October.

October was a really good, exceptionally trying month. All the rough patches were work related, and I'll leave it at that because as difficult as work can be, I am ever-grateful to be gainfully employed.

I spent a week in Villahermosa, Mexico for work and reconnected with a lot of people I worked with last year when I spent all of June in Villa. While I was overjoyed to see everyone again, when the trip was cut short, I was extremely grateful. My mom went through over six hours of surgery while I was gone, my boys were being boarded at a break-the-bank facility, and I was sick. On the plane ride back I thought about when I wanted to be a stewardess as a profession. How things change. It's pulling teeth to get me to leave these days. I thank God for a home I love, friends I cherish and a life I don't like to put on hold.

Back in Houston, the heat was making everyone a little crazy, the boys had a massive flea outbreak (accompanied by one tick), I put more mileage on my legs than ever before, I decided I'd spend Thanksgiving in Alaska, and I finally realized that nothing stands in my way of anything except myself.

November.

November's gonna be good. Like, silly, giddy, challenging, fulfilling good. Suffice it to say, my life looks a lot different than it did a year ago, and I'm so thankful and happy for the maelstrom of overwhelming pain and sadness it took to get me here.

Now, on to the fun stuff! Challenges!
1. I will not be spending more than $100 on food/groceries for the entire month. I read about this challenge on another blog; it's an effort to eat up all the pantry staples we accumulate, to each more fruits and vegetables, and to remember those who have to make-do all year long. This goes into effect tomorrow, and I'll keep you updated with weekly totals.

2. I will keep a daily food/exercise log. The truth is, marathon training has been amazing, but it hasn't been the fat-burner/muscle-builder I thought it would be. It's hard to change my diet/non-running-exercises at this point (the height of training), but I want to become more conscious/deliberate about the foods I eat and the ways I spend my gym time. (A subgoal would be to lose 5 lbs.)

3. Do yoga at least twice. Easy enough.

4. Read 3 books. I'm not quite halfway through "Sybil Exposed," and then I'm going to read "Once a Runner." Suggestions are always encouraged!

5. Take more pictures.

6. Have a blast in Alaska. Going to Alaska is a bucket list thing for me, and I'm so, so excited to be crossing this off! As soon as I get back, I'll cross off another line by running a marathon!

7. This is the fluff goal. Enjoy the end of this year. November and December lend themselves to tons of new memories, plenty of life-evaluating, and prepping for the upcoming new year. This year has been the most horrendously packaged gift, a precious blessing in the most terrible disguise. Though I'm ready to see it go, I want to honor the magical things that have come as a result of it.

New

It’s amazing the ways in which a person changes, subtly, day by day, with such restraint that the developing differences are as undetectable as hair getting longer or new freckles forming.

I just read through this entire blog.
I am different than when I first started writing over a year and a half ago.
I’m different but very much the same, very much more “me” in many ways.

I’m different externally – my hair is much longer, my body is trimmer and more mature. My teeth are more stained from many cups of hot tea, my hands and feet are more taken care of from a new found love of mani-pedis, my lips and the corners of my eyes are more wrinkled from hours and hours and hours of laughing.

The core of me is the same, only more me, more who I am meant to be. Often times, stripping away all the nonsense is the only way to grab hold of oneself, but there are certain phases of life when, to know oneself more completely, acquisition is what’s asked of you. New people, places, thoughts, emotions. Sometimes you have to put on to release. You have to acquire to know what to leave behind.

Other times, no. Other times, you have to sift through the murk of mental and physical excess and re-find yourself beyond the depths of the superfluous.

I have done a lot of all these things this past year, maybe more so than ever before, but it doesn’t feel like it. This year has been one of inevitable exploration, testing and growth, but its inevitability has rendered the journey almost effortless. Not painless or without its moments of scathing sorrow, but effortlessly there, happening, relentlessly tugging and speaking to me.

I have found bits and pieces of me in new places, and I have recognized myself in new people and ideas. I have shed layers of myself I thought I could never part with, and I’ve sloughed off edges and corners of myself that died long ago. Where there was a chrysalis at the dawn of this new decade, a new creation has emerged, standing over an open cocoon with gratitude and sadness, knowing things will never be the same, because things were never meant to stay the same in the first place.