November Recap

November sailed.


11/11 totally delivered. I was crazy busy at work, both in Houston and Mexico, I did some major runs, had multiple Thanksgivings, and spent the last week of the month in Alaska with Lauren.

I watered and watered and watered...and the grass was effin' green!

I guess before getting on to my December goals, I have to recap my goals for November. Moment of truth.


1. I will not be spending more than $100 on food/groceries for the entire month.
Well. First of all, don't ever put yourself on a strict food budget in November. Come on, Still, what were you thinking? Between multiple Thanksgivings wherein I was expected to bring delicious dishes and a week in Alaska where Lauren doesn't have a real kitchen, things got spensive. I did really well until the middle of the month, and then all the remaining food dollars in my wallet totally scattered. I plan to try this again in January because I absolutely believe in reigning in my food allowance with a little more force.


2. I will keep a daily food/exercise log.
Second, my daily food and exercise log lasted until, again, about the middle of the month. The five pounds of fury remaineth. Fail.


3. Do yoga at least twice.
Yoga four times, baby! That's, like, almost once a week!


4. Read three books.
This was definitely my greatest triumph this month, haha. Sybil, Exposed, Once a Runner, Is Everyone Hanging Out without Me, The Marriage Plot, and Spontaneous Happiness.


5. Take More Pictures.
Hurrah!


6. Have a blast in Alaska
Blast is an understatement. We killed it! I LOVE Alaska!


7. Enjoy the end of the year.
I had a total breakthrough yesterday with my therapist. I use the word breakthrough instead of epiphany because I really feel like I broke out of some invisible cage or scaled some invisible wall to arrive where I did yesterday.


I was describing a dream I had in Alaska about my big bad ex. In the dream, everything was torn up and in disarray (in the dream, we met on a construction site - my subconscious is so cute sometimes). My therapist (who I'll call Carole because that is her name) pointed out that the dialogue in the dream, both mine and his, revolved completely around him. Even in my OWN dreams, I am not the star or the main concern. All I cared about was him, and all he cared about was him.


It was as if my psyche was screaming at me, “I literally can’t make this any clearer for you!” because I was carrying a stapler throughout the entire dream. A broken stapler. I gave everything I had to this person, I gave it all to the relationship, but I could not fix it. I could not make it right. Even in the dream, if I tried to fix it, my tool would have been a broken stapler.

Anyways, I went into my schpeel with Carole about how frustrated I am that I can’t just once and for all flush this boy out of my heart and mind. I am 100% happier and more fulfilled and challenged than I was with him in my life, so why do I occasionally have such annoying dreams/defeating thoughts?

Carole asked me, “What do you think you get out of sad, painful emotional episodes like this?”

Me: “I have no idea! I wish I knew!” (sob sob)

C: “This is just my hunch, so you can take it or leave it, but it seems like these sad memories and this pain – these are the only things you have left of X, and you are desperate to hold on to some part of him anyway you can.”

Me: “Whhhaaa…?” Lightbulb so hard

C: “It’s totally within your rights to hold on to this sadness and these painful memories forever. No one can ask you to put these down or let them go. But, I just wonder, what would your life be like if you just…let go? It must get so exhausting for you, clinging to this hurt, holding on to it so you can hold on to a part of him. What would happen if you decided to let go?”

And that, my friends, I had never considered. So much of my life’s emotional energy I’ve wasted trying to keep this boy a part of my life, my identity. I’ve dedicated 10 years of my existence to thoughts, memories, dreams and desires for him (both my own and his), and it’s been a taxing, weary struggle the whole time. So why have I done it? I continued to grasp onto these sadnesses and pains because I thought he needed to be part of my identity. I thought he was supposed to be a part of my story. I mean, who am I if not the girl who loved and lost in a major way? Who am I if not a girl who was heartdecimatedbroken by the same guy - twice?

I am so exhausted from actively being sad and hurt and worried and upset just because I convinced myself that he had to be a part of my story. Dearest Amy, he doesn’t. He isn’t. (God that feels good to say!)

So I spent 3 miles yesterday asking myself what would happen if I let go to that part of myself. Just…let go, dropped that wad of dirty, 10 year old, used up emotional energy. What new things could I make room for, what new aspects of myself could I discover with all this new room and clean, powerful energy?

I am so excited, friends. I win. I wish him well but I win, for myself, and there's so much free space in my heart and mind for wonderful, exciting fresh life to enter.

Whew, ok. Enough of this! December goals to come tomorrow.

PS: I'm running a marathon in 3 days!!

Happy Belly, Happy Amy

So, I subscribe to Houston Tidbits. I get emails almost every day with fun things happ'nin around town.

Two days ago, OJ emails me a Tidbit for piloxing. Pilates+boxing. Does that sound like something I'd like to get sweaty over? Hells yes!

So we signed up for 5 class, half price, at Happy Belly Studios. Tonight, I went my first class.

5:15-6:30 Baptiste Power Vinyasa. What the heck is that? So glad you asked. I had no idea either.

Sounds like a good ol booty bustin' time!

Yoga studios are always intimidating because the yogis there are obviously intentional. You know this because they pay an absurd amount of money to practice at a yoga studio as opposed to their local 24 Hour or LA Fitness. This one was no different. I was definitely the only person incapable of one-handed, one-legged chatarangas or headstand backbends.

Still, this workout ROCKED and I'm really excited to go back. I love classes where the instructors correct your pose or offer guidance down to the tiniest detail ("Your weight should be on your forefingers!" "Twist at your hips but keep your spine straight!").

Dude you really did make me happy!

Sad fact: I've never had guns. Those babies were shaking within the first 15 minutes of class. Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is cut arms. (That ponytail created quite the puddle of sweat tonight. I'm proud of you, ponyStill.)

 Happy Belly, Happy Amy.

Thanks, Houston Tidbits!

Hump Day

You.

Yeah, you.

It's only Wednesday.

BUT!

The weekend's coming, and it's gonna be a good one. Epic even.

So stay sane with a little of this.

Yoga with Jillian Michaels, 30 mins a day FTW. 

 Eyes on the prize.

November Goal Update:
$59.50 spent on food as of 11/16/11
41.5 miles+weights+35 minutes of cycling+plyometrics+2 yoga sessions as of 11/16/11
Food log in full swing. Apparently I cannot be trusted with Airheads, candied walnuts, Tootsie Rolls or pretzels-and-Laughing Cow cheese.

Look to the Trees!

1

Two little happy trees, preparing for what they thought would be an easy, breezy yoga class at Lululemon. Several curse words (so unyoga-like), a bucket of sweat and an hour later, the trees were sore down to the roots. Ha! See what happened there? Trees?...roots?...mmk.

This class single handedly re-jumpstarted my love of the sport/art of yoga.

Tired, happy tree!

And my love of Lululemon. Good heavens, what a store!

Umm is this a joke?

I might need these reversible leggings. (hi, mom!)



I must say, normally Sundays are spent lounging, vegging, moping, reading, napping...everything except physical activity. But I could definitely get used to a good yoga butt-kicking to start off the week, especially if always followed by caramel apples, hummus and fabulous, out-of-my-permanent-price-range activewear.

October Recap/November Goals

October.

October was a really good, exceptionally trying month. All the rough patches were work related, and I'll leave it at that because as difficult as work can be, I am ever-grateful to be gainfully employed.

I spent a week in Villahermosa, Mexico for work and reconnected with a lot of people I worked with last year when I spent all of June in Villa. While I was overjoyed to see everyone again, when the trip was cut short, I was extremely grateful. My mom went through over six hours of surgery while I was gone, my boys were being boarded at a break-the-bank facility, and I was sick. On the plane ride back I thought about when I wanted to be a stewardess as a profession. How things change. It's pulling teeth to get me to leave these days. I thank God for a home I love, friends I cherish and a life I don't like to put on hold.

Back in Houston, the heat was making everyone a little crazy, the boys had a massive flea outbreak (accompanied by one tick), I put more mileage on my legs than ever before, I decided I'd spend Thanksgiving in Alaska, and I finally realized that nothing stands in my way of anything except myself.

November.

November's gonna be good. Like, silly, giddy, challenging, fulfilling good. Suffice it to say, my life looks a lot different than it did a year ago, and I'm so thankful and happy for the maelstrom of overwhelming pain and sadness it took to get me here.

Now, on to the fun stuff! Challenges!
1. I will not be spending more than $100 on food/groceries for the entire month. I read about this challenge on another blog; it's an effort to eat up all the pantry staples we accumulate, to each more fruits and vegetables, and to remember those who have to make-do all year long. This goes into effect tomorrow, and I'll keep you updated with weekly totals.

2. I will keep a daily food/exercise log. The truth is, marathon training has been amazing, but it hasn't been the fat-burner/muscle-builder I thought it would be. It's hard to change my diet/non-running-exercises at this point (the height of training), but I want to become more conscious/deliberate about the foods I eat and the ways I spend my gym time. (A subgoal would be to lose 5 lbs.)

3. Do yoga at least twice. Easy enough.

4. Read 3 books. I'm not quite halfway through "Sybil Exposed," and then I'm going to read "Once a Runner." Suggestions are always encouraged!

5. Take more pictures.

6. Have a blast in Alaska. Going to Alaska is a bucket list thing for me, and I'm so, so excited to be crossing this off! As soon as I get back, I'll cross off another line by running a marathon!

7. This is the fluff goal. Enjoy the end of this year. November and December lend themselves to tons of new memories, plenty of life-evaluating, and prepping for the upcoming new year. This year has been the most horrendously packaged gift, a precious blessing in the most terrible disguise. Though I'm ready to see it go, I want to honor the magical things that have come as a result of it.

Live from Intention

This image comes from Pinterest, a website I - along with most others I know - have become totally obsessed with. This sentiment comes from an attitude about life I desperately want to adopt.

Usually Sundays are my glorious, schedule-free, fight-the-Monday-doldrums day of the week. That would be called a habit. I am the textbook habit-driven person; habits are my security blankets and safety nets.

Some of my habits include:
Peanut Butter and Jelly Ezekiel bread sandwiches for breakfast, washed down with a Coke Zero
Reading through a specific list of blogs before starting my day.
Leaving for lunch at 10:45 every day to come home to walk the boys.
Leaving work at 3:30/4. No matter what.
Eating dinner almost immediately after walking in the door.
Being in bed, usually asleep by 9:30

Notice none of these things are necessarily healthy or positive, they are just things I've latched onto as necessary in my life. But, really, none of these things are essential...they are just habits. (Am I getting redundant?)

Some things I want to incorporate into my life but that would require living with (dedicated) intention:
Eating more vegetables.
Sweating once a day. No matter what.
Not eating as many sweets. Maybe not even eating any.
Working harder and longer.
Taking pictures with my Canon.
Sleeping less to have more hours to create/read/enjoy life.
Investing more time in my glorious friends.

This whole post was concocted in my head 45 minutes into my Bikram yoga class tonight, when I was dripping - literally, drenched, dripping, soaked - and barely able to think clearly. Our instructor reminded up to keep our eyes open, to "stay" in the room, to not wipe or fidget, and to be intentional in our workout. These are instructions I plan to carry with me as this week begins. To not be afraid to lay my habits aside in order to make more room for new intentional living.

Hotter than your Average Bear!

With lofty aspirations of cut arms, I paid a hefty chunk of change tonight to the Bikram Yoga College of Houston. After four bikramless years, the prodigal yogi has returned, and it ain’t pretty. I remembered the classes being hot and causing next-day soreness, but to be honest I spent A LOT of time during this first 90 minute sweat-fest sitting on my mat, hoping not to pass out. The heat is oppressive. I love it.

Yoga is so mentally-demanding, something that separates it from running, my other drug of choice. With running, the goal is turn the mind off; with yoga, it’s entirely switched on. At any given moment, you are pushing your hips forward, tightening your glutes, sucking in your stomach, lengthening your spine, contracting your arm muscles, kicking out and stretching up. There’s no time for worrying about life outside the studio, or if there is, I’m not getting my money’s worth, and it’s my own fault.

And it’s different than a gym setting where I usually enforce a 30 foot bubble around myself to keep others’ smells and moistures at bay. This studio makes everyone scoot up close and personal, which is both exciting and challenging. As weird as it sounds, if it wasn’t for the fact that the room is over 100 degrees and we are all sweating gallons, I might mind the proximity more, probably because heat or not, I’m a sweater (I sweat;
I’m not LITERALLY a sweater, kids, come on).

I’m writing a book. It’s always been a goal of mine, and I’m really doing it now.

Speaking of books, I’m reading three books right now, two I’m excited about and one I feel will be a dud. The latter is The Shack. I couldn’t not read this book. Everyone’s talking about it, and the ladies that sit near me are having little office book club meetings about it. I’m maybe two chapters in and can already tell I am going to have fundamental issues with the plot and message. Not sure I will even both finishing it, to be honest.

The other two are Quiet Strength by Tony Dungy and a Suze Orman book…can’t remember the title right now. Both are great and get my recommendation.

I'm going to Galveston tomorrow and I hope I get to see Ben Seals this weekend!

Houma

For no discernable reason, I’ve really enjoyed my time in Houma. The fellas here are so interesting and not very couth or pleasant, but I’ve loved meeting them and entering their world. From my perspective, Houma is synonymous with dust, oil and too-old, two-lane roads. For them, it’s home. Beautiful, comfortable home. It’s where they grew up, fell in love and made a living. I can’t wait to get back to high heels, an office obsessed with cleanliness and food that comes with the option of no fat, no butter, no salt and no cheese; these guys probably couldn’t see the logic or appeal in such a place at all. One’s not better than the other in any way, and I’m thankful and inspired that happiness comes in different forms for every single person on God’s green Earth.

I didn’t give up anything for Lent this year. Sacrificing Diet Coke/Coke Zero has been traumatic enough for my diet. Instead, I’m eating at least one veggie a day, and salad, carrots and potatoes don’t count! This will probably end up being a futile attempt to expand my vege horizons,but I have to at least try because pretty much the only vegetables I’ll eat are lettuce, carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes and bell peppers.

I met a woman recently who practices Holy Yoga, hatha yoga where you chant and meditate on scriptures and Biblical principles. She’s getting certified and hopes to open a studio – so cool! Her testimony is full of stories and thoughts I can relate to and grow from, so I’m super pumped that we had a random, yet honest, vulnerable, encounter.

LOST. ZOMG. Brain explosion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m driving back to Houston tomorrow. Makes me miss our roadtrip. I can’t wait for the next......................