November sailed.
11/11 totally delivered. I was crazy busy at work, both in Houston and Mexico, I did some major runs, had multiple Thanksgivings, and spent the last week of the month in Alaska with Lauren.
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| I watered and watered and watered...and the grass was effin' green! |
I guess before getting on to my December goals, I have to recap my goals for November. Moment of truth.
1. I will not be spending more than $100 on food/groceries for the
entire month.
Well. First of all, don't ever put yourself on a strict food budget in November. Come on, Still, what were you thinking? Between multiple Thanksgivings wherein I was expected to bring delicious dishes and a week in Alaska where Lauren doesn't have a real kitchen, things got spensive. I did really well until the middle of the month, and then all the remaining food dollars in my wallet totally scattered. I plan to try this again in January because I absolutely believe in reigning in my food allowance with a little more force.
2. I will keep a daily food/exercise log.
Second, my daily food and exercise log lasted until, again, about the middle of the month. The five pounds of fury remaineth. Fail.
3. Do yoga at least twice.
Yoga four times, baby! That's, like, almost once a week!
4. Read three books.
This was definitely my greatest triumph this month, haha. Sybil, Exposed, Once a Runner, Is Everyone Hanging Out without Me, The Marriage Plot, and Spontaneous Happiness.
5. Take More Pictures.
Hurrah!
6. Have a blast in Alaska
Blast is an understatement. We killed it! I LOVE Alaska!
7. Enjoy the end of the year.
I had a total breakthrough yesterday with my therapist. I use the word breakthrough instead of epiphany because I really feel like I broke out of some invisible cage or scaled some invisible wall to arrive where I did yesterday.
I was describing a dream I had in Alaska about my big bad ex. In the dream, everything was torn up and in disarray (in the dream, we met on a construction site - my subconscious is so cute sometimes). My therapist (who I'll call Carole because that is her name) pointed out that the dialogue in the dream, both mine and his, revolved completely around him. Even in my OWN dreams, I am not the star or the main concern. All I cared about was him, and all he cared about was him.
It was as if my psyche was
screaming at me, “I literally can’t make this any clearer for you!” because I was
carrying a stapler throughout the entire dream. A broken stapler. I gave
everything I had to this person, I gave it all to the relationship, but I could
not fix it. I could not make it right. Even in the dream, if I tried to fix it,
my tool would have been a broken stapler.
Anyways, I went into my schpeel
with Carole about how frustrated I am that I can’t just once and for all flush this boy out
of my heart and mind. I am 100% happier and more fulfilled and challenged than I was with him in my life, so
why do I occasionally have such annoying dreams/defeating thoughts?
Carole asked me, “What do you
think you get out of sad, painful emotional episodes like this?”
Me: “I have no idea! I wish I
knew!” (sob sob)
C: “This is just my hunch, so you
can take it or leave it, but it seems like these sad memories and this pain –
these are the only things you have left of X, and you are desperate to hold on
to some part of him anyway you can.”
Me: “Whhhaaa…?” Lightbulb so hard
C: “It’s totally within your
rights to hold on to this sadness and these painful memories forever. No one
can ask you to put these down or let them go. But, I just wonder, what would
your life be like if you just…let go? It must get so exhausting for you,
clinging to this hurt, holding on to it so you can hold on to a part of him.
What would happen if you decided to let go?”
And that, my friends, I had never
considered. So much of my life’s emotional energy I’ve wasted trying to keep
this boy a part of my life, my identity. I’ve dedicated 10 years of my
existence to thoughts, memories, dreams and desires for him (both my own and his),
and it’s been a taxing, weary struggle the whole time. So why have I done it? I
continued to grasp onto these sadnesses and pains because I thought he needed
to be part of my identity. I thought he was supposed to be a part of my story. I mean, who am I if not the girl who loved and lost in a major way? Who am I if not a girl who was heartdecimatedbroken by the same guy - twice?
I am so exhausted from
actively being sad and hurt and worried and upset just because I convinced
myself that he had to be a part of my story. Dearest Amy, he doesn’t. He isn’t. (God that feels good to say!)
So I spent 3 miles yesterday asking myself
what would happen if I let go to that part of myself. Just…let go, dropped that
wad of dirty, 10 year old, used up emotional energy. What new things could I make room for,
what new aspects of myself could I discover with all this new room and clean,
powerful energy?
I am so excited, friends. I win. I wish him
well but I win, for myself, and there's so much free space in my heart and mind for wonderful, exciting fresh life to enter.
Whew, ok. Enough of this! December goals to come tomorrow.
PS: I'm running a marathon in 3 days!!
