Try.

I’ve been dealing with a nasty undercurrent of emotion lately, and I’m sick of it.

It’s called dread. Heard of it? Felt it? It’s been a subtle buzz in my worklife for quite a while now, and I know it’s having destructive effects on my mind, heart and body.

There are a couple people I dread interacting with. Their demeanors, their tones, their energies – I negatively anticipate my next encounter with them.

There are work situations I dread being a part of. I hate the work, I don’t believe in the cause, I can’t stand the dysfunctionality.

I’m sure at this point you’re dreading reading any further, too. Now you know how I feel A LOT of the time.

How terrible is this? My life is arguably the best it’s been in…forever. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never felt like so cared for and loved.

Why is work getting to me like this?

The conclusion I’ve known all along, and the solution I’ve come to, is that my emotions are in my control. Dread doesn’t “happen” to people. It’s a choice, a pair of emotional Spanx I choose to put on everyday that restrict my joy and positive outlook. Knowing this, though, hasn’t produced positive action yet. I see the problem, and I see the answer, and I just sit there and look at both of them, all of us at an impasse. In the meantime, my patience, joy, love and gratitude are slowly slipping away.

Enough.

Time to stop beating myself up for feeling this negative emotion. Time to accept this is how I feel, love myself through it, give it Up, and move toward strength and healing as a result. This is the gameplan.

In other news, I’m doing my first triathlon this weekend! I have NO idea what I’m doing – signed up on a whim. It’s a super sprint, so 600 yds swimming, 11 miles biking, and a 5k.

I know it won’t be easy. Nothing important is ever as easy as “Ready, Set, Go” without some serious mental, emotional preparation, but sometimes the best way to get started is just to commit. I can sit around all day and see my current skill set and see where I’d like to be, all of me at an impasse. But nothing’s going to change unless I do, and therein lies the fear…and the answer.

All I can do with this tri is love myself at each twist and turn, knowing I’m doing the best that I can.

All I can do at work is try – let go of the dread, relax the clenched fists, keep my head up and give this life – even the 6:30 to 3:30 portion of it – my all.

All I can do is try. 

Try.

Florence

I remember the first day I listened to Florence and the Machine. I was on a hot, hot run, and I was intermittently running, walking, crying, and gasping through downtown Houston. It was not during the healthiest, happiest time in my life. Little did I know, though, that her little album there was going to play a huge part in bringing about happiness and health in my life in the coming months after that run...

A couple weeks ago Florence came to town. No way I was going to miss her, not with the kind of influence she's been in my life this last year.

The dog days are over, over. 

Went with another healing power in my life, and we Ooo'ed and Ahh'ed at her performance and vocals. Turns out being in relationships takes away from other relationships (it's inevitable but sad), so it was wonderful to see OJ! We talked boys, and work, and boys, and boys, and the future with those boys, and froyo (duh).

Lovely Lisa G!

Finally, right when it was about my bedtime, she came out, and great Scott, what a show! That woman sings from the depths of her soul...sometimes it's almost like an on-pitch bellow. She was incredible.

(Also she was wearing some kind of bird-like cape thing. While I don't necessarily condone this kind of wardrobe for normal people, Florence can rock a feathery, flowy tarp like nobody's business.) 

Caw!

It was an hour's worth of bliss, and I was so sad when it was over.

The dog days are over indeed. As my mom has often said, "The only thing we know for sure is that nothing stays the same." I think back to that hot, sweaty, breathless run and thank God for the journey he's taken me on and is taking me on. It's filled with people and details and love that I would never have been brave enough to ask for myself. And yet, he's made it happen anyway.

That being said, there's lots of great things to catch up on, friends! My semester is over, and I'm free until August. This means there's hours upon hours of cooking, reading, exercising, firefighter discussing and lazing to do for the next few months. Can't wait to get started!

(Pssst. Did you catch the firefighter part? Yep, one date turned into two, then two into three, and now we've been together for almost three months. And rarely have I stopped smiling this entire time. Swoon.)