The Five

I've been focusing all my emotional efforts recently into being a sane person. 

Do y’all ever go through times when that seems like an almost insurmountable task? Like, you know you’re on the verge of just being a normal, content, fulfilled person, but that edge is driving you insane. That is me. That is my life.

So I’ve been journaling like mad. I am an indiscriminate journaler. I will journal on any piece of paper, napkin, gum wrapper or old box I can scrawl on. I’ve been very specific about what I write, too. I’ve given myself parameters so I won’t even waste any time journaling thoughts I’m trying to get rid of anyway.

I journal “The Five” and “His Five.”

“The Five” are the five things I’m most grateful for that day. They can be ANYTHING. This morning I journaled that I was thankful Benny’s leg wasn’t permanently damaged when I accidentally shut it in a door yesterday. I journaled that because I’m SERIOUSLY thankful Benny’s leg wasn’t permanently damaged when I accidentally shut it in a door yesterday. (By the way, damn that dog is a drama queen.)

“His Five” are the five things I’m most grateful for about Noel that day. This list can also contain anything. I journaled this morning that I’m thankful he has good hair. Don’t judge my list. I said I can journal whatever I want.

Anyway, this is all in an attempt to slow down and appreciate everything I have, which is enough. I am tired of always wanting. I want to not want anymore. Journaling helps me refocus and literally see the things I have that make me most happy on a daily basis.

I also journaled that I was thankful for sparkling shiraz while watching “Something’s Gotta Give.”

Don’t judge my list I said!

Dreamy

He seriously is the best man ever. :)

Swingin'

Getting back in the swing of things is never easy. Ever. Sometimes the idea of it is fun, til you realize the idea is much different than the reality.

Still, I find myself ever-attempting to get back into the swing of things, even if I haven’t been on that swing since…college? Since I had summers off and only went to school 4 days a week for 4 hours at a time?

…Actually, I can guarantee that most of them time when I think about getting back into a set routine, that routine never even existed in the first place.  

I was a lot more active about 4 years ago because I had a lot more time on my hands. I cooked a lot more. I slept a lot more. I hung out with friends A LOT more.

The saying is true – so much to do, so little time. I can’t tell you how many times a day I wish I had more time in a day.

I want to work, hard. I want to be known as someone who gets stuff done, and who gets things taken care of. I want to get to work early and leave work late. (Is anyone else hearing “Short Skirt/Long Jacket” by Cake in their heads right now?)

I want to be a machine in the gym and on the track. I want to alternate between looking like a Victoria’s Secret swimsuit model and Jillian Michael’s at her most ripped. I want to run 50 miles a week and do yoga every day. In fact, I’d really like to be a fitness instructor and maybe a personal trainer and how bout a life coach as well?

I want to be best friends with everyone. I want to go to happy hours every day, have long brunches every Saturday and Sunday. I want to host birthday parties and showers. I want to buy all my people lots and lots of presents.

And I want to be the best girlfriend to my best boyfriend every hour, of every second, of every last day.

But, this just isn’t reality. As much as I want THIS all to be my swing, it’s not manageable. Things have to get dropped, people’s parties have to get skipped, money has to be saved, nights of rest have to replace nights of running, and yoga just never, ever gets done.

So what IS the swing I’m trying to get in to? What IS manageable?

I can work, hard, during the hours of work.

I can run, for an hour, a few times a week. I can lift weights and spin a couple other times a week. Yoga…still probably won’t get done.

I can hang out with friends a few times a week. I can see my boyfriend a few times a week. I can give 100% of me to these outings/innings because these are the people who revive and refresh my spirit. I can “show up,” not dial it in, not let the complaints and annoyances of every day life (Traffic? Weariness?) even come up in conversation. I can save my best for my loved ones.

I can focus on contentment. I can believe that “Gratitude turns everything I have into enough.” I don’t have it all, I don’t have enough time, but I have enough time to make my days and my weeks exactly as they should be.

Gratitude and contentment. These are the swings I’m getting back into…or maybe just really getting into for the first time ever. 

Try.

I’ve been dealing with a nasty undercurrent of emotion lately, and I’m sick of it.

It’s called dread. Heard of it? Felt it? It’s been a subtle buzz in my worklife for quite a while now, and I know it’s having destructive effects on my mind, heart and body.

There are a couple people I dread interacting with. Their demeanors, their tones, their energies – I negatively anticipate my next encounter with them.

There are work situations I dread being a part of. I hate the work, I don’t believe in the cause, I can’t stand the dysfunctionality.

I’m sure at this point you’re dreading reading any further, too. Now you know how I feel A LOT of the time.

How terrible is this? My life is arguably the best it’s been in…forever. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never felt like so cared for and loved.

Why is work getting to me like this?

The conclusion I’ve known all along, and the solution I’ve come to, is that my emotions are in my control. Dread doesn’t “happen” to people. It’s a choice, a pair of emotional Spanx I choose to put on everyday that restrict my joy and positive outlook. Knowing this, though, hasn’t produced positive action yet. I see the problem, and I see the answer, and I just sit there and look at both of them, all of us at an impasse. In the meantime, my patience, joy, love and gratitude are slowly slipping away.

Enough.

Time to stop beating myself up for feeling this negative emotion. Time to accept this is how I feel, love myself through it, give it Up, and move toward strength and healing as a result. This is the gameplan.

In other news, I’m doing my first triathlon this weekend! I have NO idea what I’m doing – signed up on a whim. It’s a super sprint, so 600 yds swimming, 11 miles biking, and a 5k.

I know it won’t be easy. Nothing important is ever as easy as “Ready, Set, Go” without some serious mental, emotional preparation, but sometimes the best way to get started is just to commit. I can sit around all day and see my current skill set and see where I’d like to be, all of me at an impasse. But nothing’s going to change unless I do, and therein lies the fear…and the answer.

All I can do with this tri is love myself at each twist and turn, knowing I’m doing the best that I can.

All I can do at work is try – let go of the dread, relax the clenched fists, keep my head up and give this life – even the 6:30 to 3:30 portion of it – my all.

All I can do is try. 

Try.

Florence

I remember the first day I listened to Florence and the Machine. I was on a hot, hot run, and I was intermittently running, walking, crying, and gasping through downtown Houston. It was not during the healthiest, happiest time in my life. Little did I know, though, that her little album there was going to play a huge part in bringing about happiness and health in my life in the coming months after that run...

A couple weeks ago Florence came to town. No way I was going to miss her, not with the kind of influence she's been in my life this last year.

The dog days are over, over. 

Went with another healing power in my life, and we Ooo'ed and Ahh'ed at her performance and vocals. Turns out being in relationships takes away from other relationships (it's inevitable but sad), so it was wonderful to see OJ! We talked boys, and work, and boys, and boys, and the future with those boys, and froyo (duh).

Lovely Lisa G!

Finally, right when it was about my bedtime, she came out, and great Scott, what a show! That woman sings from the depths of her soul...sometimes it's almost like an on-pitch bellow. She was incredible.

(Also she was wearing some kind of bird-like cape thing. While I don't necessarily condone this kind of wardrobe for normal people, Florence can rock a feathery, flowy tarp like nobody's business.) 

Caw!

It was an hour's worth of bliss, and I was so sad when it was over.

The dog days are over indeed. As my mom has often said, "The only thing we know for sure is that nothing stays the same." I think back to that hot, sweaty, breathless run and thank God for the journey he's taken me on and is taking me on. It's filled with people and details and love that I would never have been brave enough to ask for myself. And yet, he's made it happen anyway.

That being said, there's lots of great things to catch up on, friends! My semester is over, and I'm free until August. This means there's hours upon hours of cooking, reading, exercising, firefighter discussing and lazing to do for the next few months. Can't wait to get started!

(Pssst. Did you catch the firefighter part? Yep, one date turned into two, then two into three, and now we've been together for almost three months. And rarely have I stopped smiling this entire time. Swoon.)

Baked Cheetos

So delicious. 

It's only when I'm extremely bored at work that I notice things like this...

Really, Cheetos? Really?

Yeah right.

...I should throw these away immediately. 

And I will just as soon as the bag is empty. 

CHEETO FINGERS FRIDAY! Happy times!

This is a good one.

Question of the week is "What's the one dumb thing you used to believe in?"


I'm a person with a lot of beliefs. I'm idealistic...in fact, I'm extremely idealistic, especially in the realm of romance. I have long hoped for a man who would understand me, believe in me, root for me, challenge me and adore me -- all within 45 minutes of meeting me. This is a dumb thing I used to believe in, and let me tell you why. 


I've realized that for much of my life I've been looking for myself in manform. Why? Because I'm comfortable with me, and I'm safe with me.

I'm great and all, a lovely little human, but when it comes to someone who's going to be my life partner, that man has to take me outside of myself, not remind me of myself and make me more me-like. The challenging, the understanding, the believing - those aren't necessarily going to come in packages that I'm familiar with; I'm not going to meet a man who reads blogs, loves to cook and thinks Ryan Gosling is hella hot (at least I hope not). But I do believe someday I'll meet a man, and one day he'll do something or say something that is uncomfortable because it's unfamiliar, and I'll be like - woah, you aren't me, and I totally dig it. 

For lent this year, I went back and forth. Paleo diet for 40 days or more Bible reading? After evaluating my Paleo plans for .0035 seconds and realizing it had absolutely nothing to do with Jesus, I decided on dedicating myself to reading one chapter from Acts every night throughout Lent. I think Acts is only 28 chapters, so once I get to the end, I'll start over. 

As far as the firefighter goes, date #3 (third date in a week) is this Friday. I like a lot of things about this man, and I like that it's all been very low key and slow (no texting 6 hours a day). I've been doing lots of praying and soul-searching to keep myself grounded. I have learned the hard way that as appealing as something (someone) may seem, give me God's way every single time because I know that's where my ultimate joy and love come from. 

...That being said, I'm ready to have my first kiss in almost a year, and I'd be fine with Friday. :)